The Corporation that Mistook Itself for a Person Part 1

Are corporations people? With the recent Supreme Court decision, Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, declaring that corporations have the same rights to free speech as we do, I decided to get a corporation’s viewpoint about his personhood. I interviewed a typical corporation which we shall call Publius. We met in my office recently for the following question and answer session:



MH: Good morning, Mr. Publius. Thank you for coming today. Would you mind giving us a little of your background?

PB: Certainly. I was born on May 5, 1887 when the Supreme Court in a wonderful case, The Santa Clara v. Southern Pacific Railroad, said that I was a person with all the rights that you have. I am wealthy beyond measure. I have political connections that you couldn’t dream of and I am powerful.

MH: As you know many Americans are upset about the recent Supreme Court decision saying that you have the rights of free speech. Would you comment on that?

PB: Let me say at the outset that free speech is the least of my worries.

MH: What do you mean?

PB: Recently, I have become despondent and am beginning to question who I am. You might say that I am going through an identity crisis. It has recently come to my attention that certain unscrupulous individuals, such as this infamous Mel Hathorn, are questioning my personhood. Some of their arguments have filled me with confusion and have put me in quite a quandary.

MH: Could you clarify?

PB: Certainly, Hathorn and others said that I can’t be a person because the Thirteenth Amendment prohibits slavery, that is ownership by other people. They say that because I am owned by stockholders, I am either a slave which is prohibited by the Thirteenth Amendment or the Santa Clara Decision is unconstitutional. This argument has caused me no small amount of anxiety. I have been thinking of going for a few stress management classes or into therapy.

MH: How are you handling this?

PB: Not very well. I have been noticing that as a public corporation I have been losing different body parts. Just yesterday, I lost my right hand to someone in Paris for 1500 shares.

MH: I’m confused. What do you meant that you lost your right hand?

PB: Just that the value of 1500 shares is the value of my right hand. Since this idiot Hathorn came along I realized that I left my heart in San Francisco, my liver in London, and my spleen in Chicago. I am being bought and sold, sliced and slivered, and dissected and dissed on the auction block. In short, I am in pieces.

MH: Wow! I almost feel sorry for you.

PB: I don’t know what to do! (At this point, Publius stands and starts pacing) Who am I? Am I a person or not?

MH: I know that as a professional writer I should not offer advice; however, in this case I can suggest that you might seek therapy. Perhaps this will help you come to terms with your limitations.

PB: (Agitated and waving his hands wildly, he begins ranting and raving)

I am a corporation. Hath not a corporation eyes? Hath not a corporation hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a human is?

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And, if you wrong us shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we shall resemble you in that.

MH: (Speaking carefully because I was beginning to think Publius had delusions of grandiosity I said.) I am afraid that none of what you just said is true. I strongly suggest that you seek help.

PB: (shouting and screaming) You are just like all those other idiots!

At that point I realized that I had an out-of-control corporation. There was only one thing to do. I called 911 and shortly thereafter several men in white coats entered. After a brief scuffle they led a shackled Publius to the ER for evaluation and possibly commitment.